Pinky and the Brain Tumor

I've been reluctant to share this because we don't know much about it but I am currently in Kennestone Hospital and apparently have a brain tumor of some sort. Yes, seriously. No, it's not necessarily going to kill me. This post is to collect the whole thing in one place to preempt questions and provide updates if things get crazy. I'll supposedly know for sure by tomorrow but the CT scan and MRI have given way to only the most precise of medical analyses with phrases like "probably benign" and "If I had to wager on it, you won't require brain surgery." When asked to pay the bill in a few weeks I will tell them I'm paying it "probably this month" and "if I wagered enough on the Patriots game."



SO WHAT'S THE DEAL? Well, I've been batting with vertigo, dizziness and weird rushes of blood to the head for several weeks. It seemed to completely go away two weeks ago but resurfaced this week and was at its worse last night (Wednesday), expanding to include temporary numbness in one hand, temporary slow/erratic speech, nausea, vomiting (x2) and horrifying bouts of what the medical community calls "driving like an old Asian woman." We came to the Kennestone ER Wednesday night and they admitted me as soon as it was clear that my brain had grown so enormous that it was trying to escape my already enormous head. This, as I educated the Kennestone staff, was occurring as to allow my brain to fulfill its destiny as Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: 



Continued... Then the CT scan convinced them I'd need a MRI. The MRI convinced them I'd need blood work and now I'm waiting for that. In the meantime they have me on steroids which have helped immensely in reducing the size of the tumor and after only two rounds of this I feel a lot better (no headaches, rushes of blood, racist Asian tendencies). I also now have documented proof for my wife that I do, in fact, have a brain. So that's nice. As an aside: I can switch to the word lesion instead of tumor if it will make you less tense... or switch to the phrase "moist venomous growth" if you're in the camp who takes delight in my discomfort.



WHAT'S NEXT? Well, the most likely outcome is confirming it's a benign tumor and then undergoing some brain fluid drainage via shunt, some other meds to shrink/kill the sumbitch (presumably more steroids but I don't recall) and some various outpatient crap. The shunt will suck but otherwise this should be fine. I'd get to go home tomorrow (Friday) and hopefully make it to the record store before they close.
The next most likely outcome would require radiation to kill it. Certainly not ideal but most likely done in a day plus recovery.
The last possibility, not yet officially closed off, is that it's malignant and they have to do big time brain surgery. Don't want to think about this so not going to force myself to by elaborating on it.



(My shunt won't involve my head zipper being unfastened, nor will it involve substantial peeling back as pictured)

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? I don't believe in prayer*** so keep me in your thoughts and swears. I will post an update if it's one of the lousy aforementioned outcomes and encourage visitors. Not that you can't come now (Kennestone Blue Tower room 543) but I'm not bored, obviously not letting it ruin my sense of humor (too late, it was ruined several years ago) and I have my beautiful, supportive wife here to take care of me, argue on my behalf and wipe my butt. She does not yet know I am perfectly capable of wiping my own butt so hopefully she's not reading this. So if you really want to contact me about this (assuming it's the shunt outcome) then send me a text or Facebook post or something like that. 
***I absolutely believe in prayer, this comment was just to get a rise out of my mother. She'll try to act like it didn't work but I no longer require verbal or visual confirmation to achieve the intended level of satisfaction. 



Thanks for reading. -Paul (11/5/15