What I Did On My Summer Vacation, Paul Rehm, Age 9

It's Tuesday 11/10/15 and it has been a looooooong week awaiting test results. There are only so many things one can do to shift their attention away from the possibility of their brain losing its training wheels and setting off on its own...

A few things I've tried include:

• Re-organize my closet. Alphabetically. By athlete.
• Discreetly place some bubble wrap around the rims of our toilet bowls and then gently lower the toilet seats.
• Read magazines.
• Re-watch the original Star Wars trilogy.
• Read magazines about the original Star Wars trilogy.

It's all running together...

Anyways, I'm recently back from a much-anticipated visit to my neurosurgeon and here's what we know...

The good news: It's not malignant. It's not cancerous. I'm probably not going to need my head opened all the way up.

The bad news: Bernard Karmell Pollard is large and in charge and he's going to continue to bother me for a long, long time. (Click here for context of my tumor's name).

WHAT'S NEXT? I'm seeing to a new doctor on Thursday, one with more experience with these rarer forms of tumors and surgeries. This doctor will make the final decision on my surgical procedure and will perform it at a later time. We know it will include at least a biopsy and a permanent shunt. Depending on my brain's reaction to surgery these could be two separate procedures but hopefully just one. The shunt will will provide a passage for the currently-blocked brain fluid. The biopsy will provide more analysis on the tumor. If I remember correctly it will involve a small incision in my head to put an endoscopic probe and then they'll scoop out and devour my brains.

Here's a diagram of what they expect to see:

A: Portion of brain devoted to wife, pets, friends, family, etc.
B: Portion of brain kept available for Tom Brady in case he ever asks for it, however unlikely.
C: Very strong evidence I should have studied more in college.
D: Bernard Karmell Pollard (my actual tumor).
E: Boogers. Lots of them.
F: Portion of brain containing volumes of musical, cinematic and sports statistics, facts and records except only the ones they don't ask about in paid trivia competitions because I WON'T BE A PAWN IN YOUR LITTLE GAME TRIVIA FASCISTS!!

The tumor will not be completely removed because the risks outweigh the rewards but there will be an effort to debulk it, presumably during the biopsy. It will have to be monitored periodically for the rest of my life and there will be a recovery period of 2 to 6 weeks for the surgery/surgeries. If everything goes according to plan I will resume normal bodily functionality after recovery including working and driving and yelling at the television.

I asked the doctor whether I'd be able to play the saxophone after my operation and he said yes, I would. I think this is an awesome perk because I do not currently know how to play the saxophone.

Anyways, I expect to know more on Thursday as there is not yet a fully realized PLAN and there are many variables so I will attempt to make an update at that time. Plus I'm still completely terrified of Bernard Karmell Pollard so, if nothing else, it'll be nice to continue to have a place to share.

Just to close this out, I'd like to say how overwhelmingly moving and encouraging it has been to hear from everyone this week. Literally hundreds of text messages, emails, Facebook messages, Instagram comments, messages relayed through friends... not to mention the prayer lists, prayers, offers to help... These types of things make me uncomfortable but in the best way. Thank you. Thank you.